Adoption, Bible, Family, Life, Theology, Uncategorized

Hope in the Midst of Infertility

November 21, 2017

Remember when you dreamed of what your life might be like at a certain age? Then once you reach that age, you are surprised by how different things turned out? I’m sure anyone over the age of five has experienced this on some level. I know I certainly had different expectations on where I might today–just months away from turning 30.

This month marks two years of my husband’s and my journey with infertility. It also marks five years of unsuccessfully pursuing adoption. This may not be where I expected to be, but maybe I should have.

At least one in six couples will experience some form of infertility. (1) Of those cases, one third of infertility will be attributed to the female, one third will be attributed to the male, and one third will be attributed to both or will be unexplained. Regardless of who or what the cause of infertility is attributed to, it invariably impacts both.

When we realized that having kids wasn’t going to come easy for us, we wanted to be open with others about our experience. I find great comfort knowing that people are praying with us and support us in our journey. As I’ve shared about our experience, I am incredibly humbled when others are willing to trust us with their own stories. That is what motivates me to share with you. Some of the most powerful words I’ve found are “Me, too.”

No two people will wrestle through infertility in the same way. Though everyone’s experience is different, there are some things that I’ve found in common with my experience and infertility, and that of others I’ve talked to. Here are the two common threads I’ve seen.

1. Shame
Historically, shame has been associated with guilt, and while it often can include guilt, the shame I’m speaking of is not so much the feeling/knowledge we experience when we have done something wrong and our conscience is confirming that, but more that sense of shame that comes from feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.
Shame, in that sense, can cause a person to feel that you are somehow wrong or defective, even in instances when a person hasn’t done anything to necessitate that feeling.
This kind of shame is a lie that can keep us from being vulnerable. Yet vulnerability opens the door for healing.
To move beyond shame, I have to believe something truer. The thing is, the Bible teaches me that my value is not in my ability to have children. My value is unchanging, regardless of my earthly accomplishments or lack thereof. God loves me completely and unconditionally. Believing that truth helps me to move past feelings of shame and into vulnerable transparency that invites my community to walk alongside me and strengthen me in the difficult days.

Vulnerability opens the door for healing. Click To Tweet

2. Grief.
The pain of childlessness is a peculiar pain, described by one couple as “the grief which has no focus for its tears and no object for its love.” (Dickson 1997)
In dealing with infertility, grieving must take place. Grieving the loss of expectations. The loss of a perceived ideal timeline. The loss of a “normal” pregnancy experience. Grieving the loss of . . . fill in the blank. It is a gradual loss of what might have been. A hope deferred that makes the heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12)
Grieving the loss of expectation is normal and healthy. It has been important for me to recognize what my expectations are, and to find comfort knowing that it is okay to be sad about that loss of what could have been. It is also a comfort to know that in the midst of grief, God is with us as our comforter: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18, ESV).
God invites us to come to him with our hurts. Michael and I don’t have to fake happiness out of fear of seeming “unspiritual” for not trusting God enough. Scripture tells us there are seasons–times for weeping and for mourning (Ecclesiastes 3:4). We don’t have to be afraid to go to God with our tears, anger, and grief. He offers arms wide open with comfort and healing.

One of the hardest moments of our journey thus far was when the doctor told us what our chances are for getting pregnant. I wanted the numbers to be different. I wished it wasn’t true. I wanted to wake up from my dream. But it wasn’t a dream. This was our reality.

Shortly after we received this difficult news, I had a friend tell me that when she is troubled, she lives out the situation to the worst-case scenario in her mind. Once she got to that worst case, she realized that even in that place, she would be okay because of her relationship with Jesus. That was powerful and freeing for me.

I’ve played forward in my mind the possible scenario: What if we never have children? Even so: I have Jesus. I don’t need Jesus+children in order to find joy. With Jesus, no matter what, my life is full. I don’t need Jesus+children in order to find joy. With Jesus, no matter what, my life is full. Click To Tweet

-LM

 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3

  1. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/infertility/symptoms-causes/syc-20354317

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6 Comments

  • Reply Joe Baker November 22, 2017 at 10:21 am

    Thank you for sharing Lauren. So brave of you. Your courage will help others.

    So true about shame keeping people from being vulnerable with others. And it’s so beautifully true that every time we offer our hearts vulnerably we can receive a deeper cut of healing. This is a message that so many people in the church need to hear.

    Just like a surgen doesn’t technically heal anyone…actually a surgen is in the job of carefully wounding people and then the miricle is that that the living human body heals itself. In the same way a good friend or counselor will listen and ask the right questions that lance our wound, and the miricale is that when we turn our open hearts to Jesus he heals us.

    Ann and I are 100% behind you on the adoption journey. Please keep us posted.

  • Reply Raylee Butler November 22, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    Love you sweet friend❤️ So proud of you shining the light of truth in your life at all times, the victories and in times of great hardship!

  • Reply Linda November 22, 2017 at 1:27 pm

    Lauren, You’re a brave and beautiful woman. Exposing the lies of the enemy leaves him powerless! Proud of you for your transparency. No doubt, others will be encouraged by it. And who knows what God has in store for you and Michael- but because He’s we know it will be good. Love and prayers to you.

  • Reply Michael E November 22, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m sorry about your struggles. Staci and I struggled with infertility for nearly two years before finally getting pregnant with Josiah. I know how difficult the road can be and I will pray that God strengthens you through this time.

  • Reply jane z mazzola November 22, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    Dear Lauren,

    Thank you for sharing your heart & hurt w/us. I am so sad for you & Michael, a loving young couple who want to be parents & would be such wonderful ones. May your fervent prayers, such as Hannah’s, bring a changing miracle, through adoption, natural pregnancy, or even in vitro fertilization. God bless you both as you continue your shared marriage journey & also, bring God’s wisdom & unconditional love to so many others.

  • Reply Kathleen Cooke November 24, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    Lauren – I know what you are experiencing. It took Phil and me almost 7 years and lots of infertility testing before I could conceive. I also have a close friend who had given up and had a child infetro and then out of nowhere got pregnant with a 2nd baby. God’s will is perfect and His timing is never off. Don’t let the deceiver take your contentment and joy with where God has you right now. Keep trusting Him and His will and timing. The Lord is good all the time. Blessings and hugs and praying for His perfect peace that passes all understanding.

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